Mutual Love Under Christ Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” — Colossians 3:18-19 (NKJV)

Few Bible passages have been more misused than these two verses. Quoted out of context, weaponized to justify control, twisted to defend abuse. And yet, when we read them in light of the whole counsel of Scripture and Paul’s radical vision of Christian community, they reveal something beautiful: marriage as mutual partnership under Christ.

Notice the qualifier Paul adds to verse 18: “as is fitting in the Lord.” This isn’t blanket, unquestioning obedience. The wife’s first loyalty is to Christ. Her husband cannot act as her conscience. She remains an individual, made in God’s image, with her own relationship with the Lord.

And to husbands, Paul’s command is even more radical: love your wives as Christ loved the church. Ephesians 5:25 unpacks this: Christ gave Himself up for the church. He sacrificed. He served. He washed feet. He died. That’s the standard for husbands—not lording authority, but laying down life.

This is mutuality, not hierarchy for its own sake. Yes, there are roles. Yes, there is structure. But it’s structure built on love, respect, and partnership—not domination.

Paul envisions something countercultural: a Christian marriage where the husband makes decisions in the best interests of his wife, where they consult each other, think things through together, and work as a team. Where love makes submission easier because it’s submission to a man who is himself submitted to Christ, who treats his wife as Christ treats the church.

The tragedy is how often these beautiful principles have been turned into something evil. Women silenced. Individuality crushed. Abuse justified. That is the opposite of what Paul teaches here. A husband who demands submission without offering Christ-like love has missed the entire point. A wife who is treated as subservient rather than as a cherished partner is being dishonored, not led.

Here’s the heart of it: both spouses are called to something higher than their own preferences. The wife is called to respect and honor her husband—not because he’s perfect, but because Christ is Lord. The husband is called to sacrificial, self-giving love—not because it’s easy, but because that’s how Christ loves.

When both live out their calling, the marriage becomes a living picture of the gospel. When one or both fail, grace still covers—but the beauty is obscured.

Reflection Questions:

  • If you’re married: Are you living out the “Christ-like” part of your role, or just the “authority” or “submission” part?
  • If you’re single: What does Christ-like love in relationships look like for you right now?
  • How can we guard against twisting Scripture to justify harm, while still honoring what it actually teaches?

Prayer: Lord Jesus, make my relationships—whether in marriage, friendship, or family—reflections of Your love. Teach me mutuality, respect, and self-sacrifice. Where I’ve been wounded by twisted teaching, bring healing. Where I’ve misused Your Word, forgive me. Help me love as You love. Amen.

— Ezra